Tennessee. And I thought Virginia was long (which is what she said).

wooooooooooweeeeeeeeeeee!

Its been a wild ride the past couple of days but wickedly amazing.

Let me open up this dialogue (though, not technically a "dialogue", since you have no say in this during the fact [I don't know why I made that a parenthetical phrase... I could have just erased it and thought of a different word... but I'm too lazy {and yes, I realize that its actually more work to write out this whole thing}]) with a little letter I wrote to Tennessee this morning.

Dear Tennessee,

I don't understand you. I had always thought you were a good person before but now that I've gotten to know you... I think we should just stay as acquaintances instead of pursuing our, so far, short and dysfunctional relationship. You're bi-polar, indecisive, a friend stealer, a backstabber, judgmental, tacky and long (I'm more of a girth sort of man myself). Good day to you, sir. I shall not be calling upon you any further.

Cheers,
Luke Kalloch (Esq.)

After wasting postage on this letter (I sent it to the governor for I did not know who else to send it to... talking to an inanimate object and all), I immediately regretted it because I had passed judgment a little to quickly on the very phallic state. Looking back on my time there, I did have a very good time.

Our friends Johnathan and Tish showed us around most of the town. Our first stop was to what made Nashville famous... an exact replica of the famous Parthenon.

Johnathan and myself striking a stance.

Yes, I shit you not, there is an exact replica. Well... not exact replica because it hasn't been used for target practice. But they did do a great job in trying to create an accurate representation of what the aged rocks might do after years of floods, hurricanes and general erosion.

The beautiful craftsmanship

I'm not a geologist or a mason but this is possibly the greatest work of art (in every sense of the word) in the history of the world. Unfortunately, people are swayed from visiting this site because of (no, not because of the booming country music scene and amazing night light [more on that later]) of hordes of geese that have set siege to the structure and attack any human life-form that get within a quarter of a mile of it. If I could have strange every single one of those little bastards without peta getting on my ass, I would have.

We were then shown around many of the neighborhoods which were very fun and all... but were also very dangerous. But drugs, prostitution and obesity had nothing to do with it. No, it was a much more sinister and extremely ancient enemy.

Green Spheres

These creatures reside in trees and plummet down to the ground as soon as it senses that someone or something is directly below it. Women, children, household pets, car windshields, old mens' crotches and even members of their own species aren't safe from these terrors of the Nashvillian tree canopies. As you can clearly see they aren't a very complicated creature (picture to the right) just full of fruity goodness and hatred for everything on this earth. Watch out.

After being shown all of the horrors of Nashville I was given over to my hometown buddy Geoffrey Elwell and his lady friend Leanna, who promptly showed me the exact same sights that I was shown before but with a little bit more of a homosexual spin on it.

"The wrap-around" (alternate of "the reach-around")

The excitement of the night continued with us revisiting our past with one of our favorite playground games.

Above: Geoffrey and I play Magic (the Gathering)


To Right: Geoffrey pwning me like a n00b by casting a Terror on my Denizen of the Deep (11/11 creature with Trample)








And how could we leave Nashville without having a tasty treat from a cleaverly named hotdog eatery?













Delicious.




Anywho, the gig at The Acoustic Coffeehouse in Johnson City, TN was very nice! Though, the rest of Tennessee is very long and can't seem to keep it straight on how much they want to sell gallons of gas for! It went from $4.09 to $4.19 to $4.49 back to $4.19 to $4.99 and then back down to $4.49. Also, Johnson City is a very strange place. As we were scrambling around tryingi to tell people about the web-cast of the performance (which we found out about right before the show) we were trying to figure out where all the people were coming from. The town seemed to be completely deserted at first glance but they seemed to come out of the cracks in the pavement and out of the alleyways. It kind of reminded me of 28 days later. Except with zombies that really liked beer. A lot.

Time for the second (and hopfully final) drive through the night all the way up to Philly. Wish us luck (though I'm actually sitting here in Philly right now writing this blog, I thought saying that would give it more a dramatic turn, since this whole blog was probably extremely scatterbrain, extrodinarily weird and overall not as enjoyable as the first blog [I was watching an amazing British comedy while writing it])!

Goodnight.

Cheers,
Luke "Driving Through Tennessee is Officially Worse than Driving Through Viriginia" Kalloch